Home > Relationships > Friend-making


There are times I wonder how I have any friends, both because I’m pretty bad at figuring out how to make friends, and pretty bad at figuring out how to keep them.  My closest friends, at this point, are from high school (1), college (~1), and jobs (3).  It is apparently very difficult for me to make friends that I don’t spend all day everyday with for at least two years.

Part of this may be because I have ridiculously poor friend-making skills.  Not the talking part of it, but the process of getting into the same room as another person often enough to become friends.  Based on years of observation of my habits, I’ve identified several key steps where my friend-making process breaks down.

1) Realizing that getting together with a friend would be a fun thing to do tonight.
It honestly doesn’t occur to me to make plans with people.  I happily go about my business and only in retrospect, usually around bedtime, do I think “huh, I could have called someone.  That would have been fun.”

2) Finding something to do.
If it does occur to me that getting together would be fun, I often get paralyzed by the question of what to do.  Intellectually, I know this shouldn’t be that hard. We could simply hang out. Or watch a movie. But I always feel like I should be offering something more interesting – so I end up offering nothing at all.

3) Figuring out who to invite.
When I do manage to figure out something to do, I get completely stuck on the who.  I have no idea how to pick people to invite, especially since I never invite anybody anywhere.  Is it cool or weird to just call up a casual friend and invite them over?  I honestly have no idea.

4) Actually getting in touch.
The logistics of issuing an invitation stop me cold. Do I call? (I hate calling.)  Do I email? (Is that too impersonal?)  Do I text? (Do I have their phone numbers? Do they have mine?)  And how do I word it?  The few times I’ve emailed an invitation to hang out, it’s taken me over an hour to write 3-4 lines.  I know that sounds ridiculous, but I don’t know how to make it easier.

All things considered, it’s amazing I have any friends.

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